This is where I come for my therapy. I read your blogs and they build hope in me. They give me strength and ideas. They give me joy and happiness, sometimes they make me sad. But I feel a closeness with you all. All it costs me is time and that is what I have right now.
This is where I come when I need to talk. I can tell you all that which I can't say in my "real" life. This is coming up on a sad period for me. June is the cruelest month in my world. Loss beyond loss occurred for me in June of 2001 when my son died from an asthma attack. I never got to say goodbye; I wasn't even here in the U.S. when it happened. Lots of guilt still over that. Forever this is linked with 9/11/2001; so much in a short period of time. Even from afar, the nation's grief sort of swept mine to the side. Maybe a good thing, I don't know. So we carry on in silence. Time moves on, the memories don't fade, hurt doesn't fade, it just becomes part of your soul.
People say to me that they don't know how I cope with that; they couldn't do it they say. Well, the universe doesn't exactly ask you. There is so much that we humans do not have control over. If we think about it, it would probably make us all crazy. I have lived by trying to focus on right now; get through this moment and the next and the next when it comes. That's it. No magical superpowers for me.
If I had them...well.
Fast forward to 2009; my sweet boy Niles left me too. That was equally debilitating to me. Many of you here in my secret world know of this event. And that which followed. Which brings me to today.
I am a person who keeps fighting, one who always arises from the ashes. I have a positive outlook that all will be well eventually. But I am growing weary. Let me tell you all why.
After the idiot ran off (again) to play with his little friends; he left me jobless and with a lot of debt that I couldn't pay. Yes he gave me money each month. But never enough to take care of the essential bills completely.
In December of this year, after much fighting to delay it, I was evicted from my home due to foreclosure. I moved in with a neighbor.
My job that I loved ended. They closed the sewing machine department in March. The unemployment in Michigan says I don't have enough money in the system to receive benefits so I have no income at all. And over the last few months my husband has decreased the amount of money he sends me; the last few months it has been $100; this month $66.00 I have three dogs to care for and feed, and continue to pay their vet bills, all of which he is aware of. He has not made any payments on my truck, now will be the third month. So I guess he cannot take anything else from me, but when this is taken I feel like I will lose my mind! I have sold everything I could to keep my home, so now I have nothing left to sell.
And this is where I sit today; right on the verge of just having a fit. Oh wait, that's right; I just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia too. I realized I had been in pain for so long the other day, that I can't recall a time without something hurting. This lead me to go to a new doctor.Now here I am. Trying to keep it together. My daughter tries to help me, but she can't afford to do much. I appreciate what she does though. It means a lot to me. I feel like screaming some days. I really do. I never thought my husband would put me and the dogs in such a tenuous circumstance. I really didn't. But he sure did. And he gets away with it as there is nothing I can do. The law never works for me; I can't get anything according to a lawyer. I will just have to accept that he gets to do whatever he likes and there are no consequences for him. This is just what sucks.
I will keep my head up; I know there are folks with worse circumstances. I will get by. I have a good bunch of people in my life; but I am hoping that the sun will come out again soon. Thanks for listening to my breakdown; I sure appreciate it. Without you all, I don't know how I could keep going.