Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye to the first decade of the millenium!

The news shows all say "its the end of the first decade of the millenium" It has been a hard ten years, and yet there were many bright moments as well.We moved to Canada in January of 2000. We brought Niles home in February of 2000. My sweet man! In June 2001, I lost my son to an asthma attack, the US was attacked in September.Then we brought the Murphy home in October 2001. This year saw the loss of Niles in June and my husband left to find his way in July. See the contrast? Good, and horrible juxtaposed against one another.

That's what life is. This past year has put many of us here in blogland to the test. I read somewhere that we experience these trying times as God is trying to strengthen us. That may be true, but golly, I am about strong enough now to pick up Sparkle and carry him around my yard! LOL!

What do I plan for the next year? I plan to follow where I am taken, to accept what I have, live without what I don't and just be happy in the moment. I plan to make the decision each day to be happy in the face of whatever comes my way. I plan to continue to love my friends, make some new ones and find my place. I am going to make a new career for myself and move on into a new decade with hope and optimism that better things await me in the new decade to come. I will always love my bullies and try each day to make their life the best ever; and be the kind of person they think I am. I am no longer looking back. I am moving forward quickly and letting the past hurts and sadness go. I will love again and trust again.That is a work in progress. But I am okay.

I still mourn for my baby Niles and my son Joseph. These are the things that happen to us in life and we have to honor them by living a good life, continuing to love and opening our hearts to possibilities. I will never forget these hurts, but will let them strengthen me and my resolve to find a better way.

The bullies and I say "BULLY NEW YEAR" to all of you!!!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Meaning of Christmas

Yesterday I spoke on the phone with someone close to me about the subject of Christmas. After hanging up, I came to a realization that this person didn't really know me anymore. And truthfully I guess I'm not "me" anymore, at least the old "me" of just last year.

For my entire life as an adult, Christmas has been a stressful time of unrealized expectations. I think many people can identify with this. The advertising onslaught from even before Thanksgiving on tends to urge us all toward excess. The children are encouraged by the ads to want more and more. And parents try to give it to them in order to make their Christmas " the best ever". We get caught up in the fever.

Each year, after I had kids, I would run all over the place trying to get the "best" of everything; get all the items on their "lists". Because you "have to" fulfill the list to make it the "best Christmas ever". And every year, there would be so much unhappiness; even when I could get every last item on the list. So much frustration and sadness every year. I never received a gift from any of my spouses that was heartfelt or demonstrated any knowledge of me as a person, or fulfilled the promises made on the television by all the romantic Christmas jewelry ads! So I am guilty of falling into the trap as well. I will own that. I hated the holidays every year; the past few I have been so depressed that I just barely got through.

I have, outside of my daughter ( and formerly, my husband), absolutely no family. My parents divorced when I was nine as my mother wanted a different life than the one that she had. And she got it, for us kids as well; pretty much both sides of our family abandoned us. No Rockwell family Christmases for us!My mother died from alcoholism when I was 18; she was in her early forties, in the early part of December, 1980.My father, who was much older, passed away a few years later. My son, who passed away in 2001, was born just a couple of weeks later; December 28. My daughter was born, as many of you know, December 24th,1978. So there is much sadness at this time. Also some joy. Even though my daughter hates her birthday, I still think it is perfect.
So there is a basis for my issues I guess. After the events of this summer, I was not holding out much hope for anything different, actually I figured it would be much worse. I live alone with my dogs. So why bother with it?


This year I am finally coming into my own being. I have had much time to think about who I am and what I think and feel. So here it is. I learned that I can and have CHOSEN my own family in addition to my daughter and my fur kids; Rikki and Sue, Sonny, Karen,Adam and Sam and all their fur kids, Rebecca and her fur kids,Jennifer and Jerry and their daughters and fur kids, Karen C ,the "puppy lady"and her fur kids. Renee and her fur kid,AND, all my bloggy friends and their fur kids that have sent me love and kindnesses all through this year. I even found old school friends on Facebook that have really made my life better!

I have learned that I am happy with my little house and my doggies. I miss Niles so very much, but I will try to honor him by the way I live the rest of my life. He will always be my canine soul mate. I decorated this year the way I could and didn't stress out over being unable to go out and buy more. I have been far more aware of my own gratitude in the silences of my home. I have had to learn how to do more with a whole lot less, and no predictability of what will come. I could not go out and buy anything really, for anyone, other than the few items I have picked over time for the fur kids. But in my heart, I feel at peace.

I know now that I cannot buy happiness. Don't get me wrong, I love to decorate and love to find goodies for my home. But I also know that things will never give me love or happiness. I have found that within my heart. Even though things are bad right now, I am calm, and I am happy. I am strong. I am living more simply,

Christmas has lost its meaning here in this country. I will tell you what Christmas is to me now. It is having a home ( no matter how small,large, fancy or plain) to share with friends and family, food to feed the hunger, joy in the little things; like someone making you a gift from their heart (Sonny!) and the knowledge that there are people in the world that really love you and care for you that would never hurt you, no matter what. But this is not just for one month of the year; this is my whole year. I have so much; I have Christmas in my heart all year.

Last night I stopped at our local McDonald's. The drive thru girl saw Sparkle all done up and said to me " You are really all about Christmas aren't you?" And I answered "yes, I am" without even thinking about my answer. And then it dawned on me, I AM REALLY ALL ABOUT CHRISTMAS! All year long!!!! It isn't what we buy, it is what we give. Our hearts and our real love. That is it. Love. And I give it to those I love freely; even when they are not perfect, I still love them.

All my love to all of you who have made me the person I am today. Thanks to you every one.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Christmas Cruiser and assorted other fun things!

Sparkle, the Christmas Cruiser, is ready to jump in if Rudolph can't perform his sleigh pulling duties; the extra lights will sure be useful if the weather turns bad for Santa and four wheel drive never hurts for those unpredictable landings In addition that big ole trailer hitch in the rear will be able to tow along lots of goodies for everyone! Doesn't Sparkle look happy?

Murphy says "So whaddaya got to do to get some turkey 'round here?"

This is Murphy's PINK Christmas tree! He really loves it!!

I just made these from things I had around the house; both inside and out! The pine branches are from my trees in my yard, and I always have Mason jars. They really smell great and cost nothing. I tied on a homespun bow and added two rusty jingle bells to the ends.

I also cut some additional branches and wired them together complete with a Canadian flag bow that I had purchased years ago for Canada Day. I tied it to a pole that is right behind Mr. Niles' grave so that he would have something special. (He was Canadian born, I am in my heart:) I found out that tears will freeze on your face indeed. Hope you are all staying safe and warm!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Happy December !

It has been a good long time since I have felt like posting anything. I do read all your blogs though and keep up with some of you through Facebook as well. But I still felt guilty about leaving my blog hanging. And it sure has been hard to keep my mouth shut so long; those who know me will be laughing in agreement.

This month is my little Sydney's birthday; she will be two. She is still a puppy:) My human ( or hooman in LOLspeak) child was born on Christmas Eve in 1978. My son, who lives in Heaven now, was born two years and four days later on the 28th. Both were preemies. My daughter was 4 lbs. and 8 ozs, my son was 5lbs,10ozs; they had told me while in labor with her that she would most likely only weigh a pound or two and would not likely survive. She surprised them though.

I had to fight for her to be born; she was not wanted by my then husband or even his family; who are all allegedly Catholics! They are quite demented. But I refused to have an abortion; even though I was very young (16) when I married her father and only 17 when I had her, I knew there was something there for me to love and care for, someone who would not reject me as my own mother and sisters had done. ( At least until she was a teenager!LOL) I felt her spirit inside. I was afraid she would leave me soon after birth. I went into labor on the 23rd of December; she was born early on the 24th. She was my Christmas miracle. I named her Christmas Eve as there was no other name that could be as special and miraculous as she is. People give her a lot of grief about her name, but I think she knows why I chose that name for her. She was the Christmas gift that I so wanted and received. My miracle. And she still is.

She was a fighter from the beginning as was my son. She had to tolerate taking a back seat to her brother who was ill with asthma most of the time as well as being developmentally delayed. He required a lot, but she tried to help as best as she could. She was a little mama to him and a big sister who was fierce in her devotion to her brother. Anyone who tried to say anything cruel about her brother, or to take advantage of him was quickly taken to task by my baby girl. If anything I feel so guilty now, as when I was in the situation, I did not see that she was left behind in many ways. I loved her then as I do now; she was and still is my baby girl; my first little girl.

My anniversary is the 27th of December. It is still a busy December no matter how you look at it. My husband and I are talking to each other and have formed some type of new relationship. I do not know where that will end up. I am letting God figure that out, I can't control everything no matter how much I would like to!

This will also be the first Christmas without my beloved Niles as well as my husband. I know already it will be hard. His birthday ( and his Dad's) was last month, I found it so hard to keep going forward in November. I think I will be okay now. I don't know why; maybe its all the help I have received from ALL my friends, or the prayers you all have sent, but when I woke up Saturday morning, I had a sense of well-being that I have never had before. I knew when I got up that things were different. I no longer had any anger in my heart and I felt renewed. At peace with what is right now.

Murphy has been ill all weekend with some kind of canine cold. He saw the wonderful Dr. Rita yesterday and is now on his way back to health; Thank Goodness!!! I am hoping this continues. Thank you all for the love you send our way; it is a healing force in our lives. I'm back to stay!!

My Country Baby Murphy