Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wonderful Friends: Old and New

I am trying to post on a regular basis now, that is my goal anyway! Last night my wonderful friend Rebecca took me out to dinner, she even filled up the gas in my truck so I could get to dinner and home again. I had forgotten how much fun she is and how much she brings out the "happy" in me when I am around her.

I met Rebecca when I first came to Michigan. She was hired directly behind me at the mental health center we worked for. She came in the first day all happy and bouncy and blonde. Now I have blonde hair too, but she had the blonde attitude. You know what I mean, so sweet and innocent and all. At first, I was like oh good grief! And she did not know the ins and outs of substance abuse. I could just see the clients using her up really quickly. Because we were hired at a VERY strange time at that place, we were both shunned by most of the employees in the unit including our supervisor who exemplified Eeyore.

We bonded together first from desperation, then a really great strong friendship came about. I was suffering from deep despair at the time as this was the first time my husband left me. I was so down, I put on a great mask of being funny and all, but she could see through that. She often brought me funny presents and encouraged me to be all I could be. She bolstered up my self esteem which was at its lowest. Every day was easier because she was there, it was like sunshine. We were so funny together. She would say things like " Oh we are so NOT gonna do that" in response to some idiotic request that the agency had ( usually something that was compromising the care of the clients) and I would just say "yeah, what she said!" It was so wonderful that she brought me back to myself.

We planned the Christmas party with the team there; they were calling us goofy names like Barbie, glamour girls, uppity girls. Now I have never been considered either of those. So on the night of the party we were going to wear tiaras, well our supervisor actually threatened us if we wore the tiaras she was going to get us! I wore mine, Rebecca left hers back in her car. EVERYBODY had that tiara on before the end of the night. We had cultivated friendships all through the center in the different buildings and if our own building did not like us, well, it was their loss. One of my favorite memories of that night,besides the tiara, was when we walked in, our building had sat at a table where we were not welcomed (and they had taken up all the seats!) BUT ALL the other folks clamored to have us sit with them.
Then, when they played "OUR SONG" LOL!!! (Baby Got Back by Sir Mix a Lot) We jumped up and had our whole table, including our dear friend Sue (who is wheelchair bound) dancing to that song!!! We got the dirtiest looks, but we had FUN!!!

When she got bigger and better jobs, believe me she moved up and out so quickly,she left and it was harder to get together, although we still did. She would stay in touch with email and calls. I always knew where she was. She got remarried to a wealthy man and I thought she outgrew us. But she didn't. When I was really scared about having surgery, I emailed her; she made it sound like a day at the spa! I was a lot less scared after that. I always think well if Rebecca says I can do it, then I can, and she always told me that.

Last night, sitting at Harvey's restaurant, watching her drive up chewing gum; she loves gum, Orbit especially! I felt my heart feel better. Then she gets out all cute and hunting through her truck; I am like what are you doing; she is all I lost my diamond earring somewhere. Yikes!!! She was at a training a good ways away and of course she had to stop and shop on the way out; " I bought these shoes today at DSW" and she brought gifts for me; wonderful bubble bath bombs and CHOCOLATE bubble bath and mango body creme. And that is how she is. She once , when we were still working together, bought me a pair of bulldog slippers; I wore them all up and down the hall that day!! I still have them and think of her each time I see/wear them. They look just like my Murphy!

She loves me just as I am; she is the one person I have told my weight to; she said, yoiu DO NOT look like you weigh that much and anyway, you look good! Who doesn't need a friend like that? She is a riot and is so positive and caring. I had forgotten so much, life just sweeps us along at times and we lose touch, but she and I may not have SEEN each other, but we were still connected. When I was afraid with the surgery I had asked her to look after my daughter if something ever happened to me and she said she would. I knew she meant it. She has been my living guardian angel, I told her that once and she said "of course I am, I just love you and will always be there for you" All I had to do was call her and she is right on top of it.

My other friend Sue is another wonderful friend as well; we met at the same place. She recently retired from that nut house ( the employees are nuts not the clients!) Sue has had a difficult life to say the least. She is in a wheelchair; but she gets around more and often better than I do! She is a sweetie pie! Her daughter Rikki is a doll; Rikki has downs syndrome, but her energy and drive put us all to shame. Rikki just had her 42nd birthday; which as she told me made her " as old as you are Merrie!" LOL; Rikki is the only gal I know that is PROUD of her age! Sue raised Rikki to be as self sufficient as possible. And she is. I love being around them both. Sue has such a great spirit. And she is funny as hell. She has made a beautiful home for herself and Rikki ( who actually has her own home, but the economy forced her to rent it out and move back in with Sue)

She is always in my corner and we go a lot of places together. That was us at Holly Hills Primitives together if you follow Dawn's blog ( who is also a great new friend) We were having fun this summer just getting out together and looking at things, making plans to sew together.

Last week, I went over to her house and took my doggies for a visit with their "brother" Bailey. Bailey is Sue's dog that I trained up for her; he was a lil white fur ball; he is kinda Shih Tzu looking, but big. And sweet. Murphy immediately remembered him. Zoey and he played a bit and Piz was very interested in him. The funny moment came when the dogs went in the house and SAW all the TOYS Bailey has; oh no he is NOT spoiled!!! They did not try to take them, they just looked at the toys; I mean it is a huge pile stacked up in a corner, and THEN they looked at ME!!!! OOPS! I am always in the doghouse! Phooey! I had gotten them all a hamburger darn it!

Today I had the babies out in the front yard with me as I was getting the mail, which darn it I never got! Well the neighbor guy has this German Shepard and he lets this dog go back and forth with him in his truck ( in the bed which gets me dirty looks from my babies cuz I would NEVER let them do this!)or running behind it the two farms are right next to each other directly across from me; well today ole Roscoe ( I now know his name!) decided to visit us. I did not see him initially, but Zoey did. She kinda went wooo; real low, not a growl, just a question. I turned and saw this dog.
Now he is large, but did not seem threatening, he was pretty bouncy and happy and wanted to play with my babies. But he kept running into the street; I ran after him and got him and mine out of the street, but he kept leading them back into the street.

So here I am all alone trying to herd three plus one into the yard. Well they would play and chase each other ; they were all having fun! I was too; the dog was so sweet and he just wanted some new friends, and these guys all loved him. No barking, no growling. He was more afraid of them than they were of him! What a riot! One of the older ladies from the families came over and after I got mine in, no small feat; "mom, why can't we play more!!!" then getting him back to their house; so I ran down the middle of the street with ole Roscoe following me! Oh yeah; I don't run often, umm ever, but I so wanted him safe. He is now. And all had a good time! Even mommy!! LOL !

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Just so you know

I have been so overwhelmed by the love and prayers you all have sent this week and in the past month. Yes times are hard right now. But as I have thought upon it, I wanted you all to know that my husband is not a monster nor is he hateful. He, like I, has made some mistakes. We all have. For those I forgive him, much as I am sure he would/has forgiven me. I have a whole lot of things to work on in my behavior and that is what I am doing now because I am sure not perfect and have made a lot of mistakes that I wish I could change. So I can't be too hard on anyone else.

My husband is a good person, one that tries to help others. He has always been someone who is very intelligent and insightful. He is one of the best management leaders around. He can motivate others like no one else. He has a good heart, he really does. He does tend to keep things to himself, which is not good for anyone.

He has experienced a lot of grief in his life as well although he never speaks about it.
He has long been my best friend and confidant. He was and still is the light and love of my life. He has always tried hard to take good care of us.He is really great with the fur kids. They love him so; they keep looking for him. I don't want people to think he is bad because of what has happened. He is not. I think he just got overwhelmed and didn't know what to do.
As many of you know, he had some serious health issues this past year and I think that was a really big part of the stress that lead up to this.
I am trying to find and develop a spiritual life to help us deal with life. I think God would forgive him as I hope God will forgive me for my part in this whole mess. I am praying that God will find us and help us heal. I really am. I do love him. He may be a little bugger, but he is my little bugger.

I am thankful to all my blog friends that support me here; and could you please say a prayer for my husband that he finds his heart and his way back home again? Thanks and my love to you all.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I am sorry to say, another sad post

I am sorry to have to post another sad story here. It seems like that is all I do these days; talk about sadness. I wanted to be in the blogger community to learn new things, and make new friends; I have done both. I wanted to have a fun and upbeat creative blog, but one that really reflects my life. Sadness is a part of all our lives and I feel I need today to share this burden.

I am at a loss to explain this; my husband came home last evening and he brought a state trooper with him. I was so scared when I saw the policeman as I though he was hurt or injured in some way. Never in my life did I think he brought that policeman there to protect him from me; so that he could leave me without any explanation or reason. I am not an idiot, I am NEVER going to commit a violent act no matter how mad I might get because truthfully I cannot do prison and no one is worth going to prison no matter how mad you may be at the time, or how justified you might feel!

I am not angry; I have not cried at all( I do cry about the prospect of losing my home and babies as well as my husband though). I am just numb and lost if you want to know the truth. I shared so much with this man, and love him with all my heart and soul. Did we have problems? Yes we do; like anyone else. Money and communication seem to be the biggest issues. Those can be fixed if both parties are willing to work on them. I have always been open to working on issues. For whatever reason he was not able to.

Am I a bad person? Yes sometimes I am. I get upset and frustrated when people lie to me and he always knew this was a big deal to me. Yet he would do it over and over. I have yelled about it and been very angry. I have cried buckets of tears over this man. He has done this to me before and I should not have been so gullible this time I guess. But even having said that, I still believe that people can change and become whatever they wish to be. Love is hard at times, not always the easy road. I was not allowed to have any answers which makes it even harder to process. He says there is no one else, but I am not so sure about that.

Today I am very sick at heart. I was ill all night with chest pains and nausea. I will be seeing the doctor soon because it did not go away like I assumed it would this morning. I did not sleep much at all; I kept waking up, hoping this was a bad dream. I have never slept well by myself anyway. I am having flashbacks and stress from the last time this happened still and they are really bad this time.
I feel like a lost girl. The person I shared my life with threw me away like I am nothing. I have a big hole in my heart.I have to contemplate losing my dogs, my home, our life together.

The dogs are upset as well, last night they peed all over the house when the policeman came in the house as they were frightened. Bitsy has looked all over the house for him, she was in the laundry basket this morning smelling his clothes. I thought of doing that myself. Murphy had an episode yesterday morning that I never got to share with his dad; he woke up screaming from his airway being clogged with phlegm and then he had a really long extended head nodding episode; this morning he is just moping around. Zoey looks sad and has not really moved much. None of them will eat a thing. These animals are all I have in the world. Contemplating not being able to keep them or having to lock them up all day in the house alone is scary and depressing.

I know one thing; I am a survivor. Even walking through pain, I am willing myself to go on. No easy way out for me. I have asked God why am I suffering so much? I know I have done many bad things in my life that I wish I could change. I am remorseful for those I have harmed with my behavior. I am sorry that I made choices that were ill-advised. There is nothing more I can do to change the past. All I can do is learn for my past mistakes and try to be a better person in the future. That is what I have been doing now for the past ten years; trying to make amends to any I have harmed. Trying to do what is right in any situation, trying to be a honorable person. I am trying my best each day to do the right thing.

I was trying to make this relationship work; I was trying to create a home for us, a sanctuary from the world. I never,ever thought once about having an affair on my husband. I could not bear to hurt him like that; to see pain on his face that I caused is an abhorrent thought. I am guilty of saying thoughtless things in anger, I have been awful when I have been wounded. I know it wasn't right to say those things to the one I love and I regretted them as soon as I said them.
My life has always been an open book to him. If he could only do the same for me, our life would be great I believe.

Well I do not know what will happen to us now. The stress is waiting to see what he will do next; I have been living with this fear since he came back in 2004. Always living in fear of what might happen next. Even though he told me nothing bad would ever happen to us again. I know that many think I am stupid for believing him, but I did. Because I was/am in love. I don't know what else to say, other than these past two months have been the absolute worst for me. I have lost my true loves, both of them. I hurt all over. I am so very,very heartsick over it all.

Butch, if you read this, know this; I am sorry that you felt this was the only recourse available to you. You have caused me a great deal of hurt in the past years and I have always forgiven you. You know that this is true. I have tried to encourage your pursuits as long as they were not damaging to our relationship (other women) I don't understand, I just don't; you certainly would never explain it to me. Maybe you think I don't care, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Than you to my friends who have been writing to help me through the loss of my sweet Niles. I have no family other than my daughter, and she is not really close. So I am pretty much all alone except for the doggies. I appreciate you all hanging in there with me during all these days of sadness. I am expecting brighter days to come. I really am. I am just doing the best that I can today, I will handle tomorrow when it gets here.

My Country Baby Murphy