Wednesday, May 4, 2011

This is where I come for my therapy. I read your blogs and they build hope in me. They give me strength and ideas. They give me joy and happiness, sometimes they make me sad. But I feel a closeness with you all. All it costs me is time and that is what I have right now.

This is where I come when I need to talk. I can tell you all that which I can't say in my "real" life. This is coming up on a sad period for me. June is the cruelest month in my world. Loss beyond loss occurred for me in June of 2001 when my son died from an asthma attack. I never got to say goodbye; I wasn't even here in the U.S. when it happened. Lots of guilt still over that. Forever this is linked with 9/11/2001; so much in a short period of time. Even from afar, the nation's grief sort of swept mine to the side. Maybe a good thing, I don't know. So we carry on in silence. Time moves on, the memories don't fade, hurt doesn't fade, it just becomes part of your soul.

People say to me that they don't know how I cope with that; they couldn't do it they say. Well, the universe doesn't exactly ask you. There is so much that we humans do not have control over. If we think about it, it would probably make us all crazy. I have lived by trying to focus on right now; get through this moment and the next and the next when it comes. That's it. No magical superpowers for me.
If I had them...well.

Fast forward to 2009; my sweet boy Niles left me too. That was equally debilitating to me. Many of you here in my secret world know of this event. And that which followed. Which brings me to today.

I am a person who keeps fighting, one who always arises from the ashes. I have a positive outlook that all will be well eventually. But I am growing weary. Let me tell you all why.
After the idiot ran off (again) to play with his little friends; he left me jobless and with a lot of debt that I couldn't pay. Yes he gave me money each month. But never enough to take care of the essential bills completely.
In December of this year, after much fighting to delay it, I was evicted from my home due to foreclosure. I moved in with a neighbor.
My job that I loved ended. They closed the sewing machine department in March. The unemployment in Michigan says I don't have enough money in the system to receive benefits so I have no income at all. And over the last few months my husband has decreased the amount of money he sends me; the last few months it has been $100; this month $66.00 I have three dogs to care for and feed, and continue to pay their vet bills, all of which he is aware of. He has not made any payments on my truck, now will be the third month. So I guess he cannot take anything else from me, but when this is taken I feel like I will lose my mind! I have sold everything I could to keep my home, so now I have nothing left to sell.
And this is where I sit today; right on the verge of just having a fit. Oh wait, that's right; I just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia too. I realized I had been in pain for so long the other day, that I can't recall a time without something hurting. This lead me to go to a new doctor.Now here I am. Trying to keep it together. My daughter tries to help me, but she can't afford to do much. I appreciate what she does though. It means a lot to me. I feel like screaming some days. I really do. I never thought my husband would put me and the dogs in such a tenuous circumstance. I really didn't. But he sure did. And he gets away with it as there is nothing I can do. The law never works for me; I can't get anything according to a lawyer. I will just have to accept that he gets to do whatever he likes and there are no consequences for him. This is just what sucks. 

I will keep my head up; I know there are folks with worse circumstances. I will get by. I have a good bunch of people in my life; but I am hoping that the sun will come out again soon. Thanks for listening to my breakdown; I sure appreciate it. Without you all, I don't know how I could keep going.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

New Year's Eve

this is our New Year's Eve photo!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Happy New Year

It has been awhile!!!!!!!! I have been working and moving on in life; but I think of you all daily. I read you when I can and I love to see what you are all up to. Life here is not perfect, but I am feeling loved and have found a nice place in time to be. I will be by more often you can bet! I am still crafting and sewing; I work in the sewing machine dept. at JoAnn's and love that; though I wish the money were more:) But who knows what time will bring. I hope to be able to share photos soon with you of some projects and some decor! The bullies three are happy and being themselves; they have a new love too! My new Mister loves them and spoils them worse that I do; well we are real country and don't have tons of money, but we sure have lots of love.

I got a nice family with my new guy; a sweet mom and his son, son's girlfriend ( who likes to sew and got a new machine from us) his Dad left this world at the beginning of December; but the family was ready; he had suffered for so long. I went to church for the first time on Christmas Eve with him, his son and my daughter; so pretty :) a candlelight service. We made a wonderful Christmas at his home and my friend Sue and her daughter (who are really my family!) shared the day with us. What a difference from the other Christmases.

New Year's Eve we went with our neighbors to a country club nearby for dinner and a night of dancing. We danced until 2 a.m. and I was so happy; I love to dance. We had mainly Diet Coke; I had 2 beers over the course of the evening and they gave us all a glass of Asti Spumanti with dinner. So the year started good.

I expect good things this year. I believe that things will get better for us all; we just have to believe!!! Talk to you all later!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

what's new?

Sorry that I have been AWOL for a while! My computer has died and I can't afford to replace it yet; so I am using friend's computers. Things are good here; I am happy and laughing a lot. Things are not perfect; the economics of my life aren't that good, but that will come. I have found the true love I wished and prayed for. He is good for me and my dogs! They love him so much! I never knew that I could have such a life; I have a real country life now. And I am happy with that.

This is the first Sweetest Day I have ever had that was filled with love. He cooks for me when I work late and he takes care of my bulies like they were his own. We both laugh so much when we are together that we get headaches! LOL! Thanks God for this gift. I pray it always will be this way. He makes me better than I was. And there is no misery left here. This guy makes me sparkle more than ever. I pray that I am worthy of him. I will always do my best to keep him as happy as he makes me. What a change! Life is good. We work through the imperfections of life together.

I'll write when I can; I miss you all and I try to read up when I can> Love to you all

Thursday, September 9, 2010

New Beginnings

I have been wanting to get back to my blog for a while now, but life keeps interfering! Many changes have happened this summer; I am almost afraid to share them for fear they will disappear. I have met someone kind and honest. He has been here all along, I guess just kind of waiting for me to stop chasing my tail. He has been hurt deeply in the past as I have so he gets my fears. We are just friends for now, but we get closer each day. He rides and he has made me into a better and stronger rider. He is encouraging to me; I told him one day recently that he gave me back my wings. He took the broken bits and made them whole. He makes me laugh and creates joy in my heart and soul. He is also a man that loves God. He never misses church and is not afraid to share his faith with others.

I asked God for someone like this and He answered me. I am amazed! I am enjoying the relationship we are building. I don't have any plans, but I am letting God lead me on. We have challenges in our lives, I am still married in name only, because of the insurance and financial issues; and he has been unemployed for a while, but he finds things to do to keep everything running well. Even with these issues, I feel better than ever and very optimistic for the future.

We rode in ( my first) a charity bike ride for kids; a teddy bear run to a local hospital. I tell you, in all my life, I have never felt so happy and good, riding next to my new best friend; in the warm sun. The night ended at the Pig Gig ; a local event with barbecue and music! We wound up with free VIP seats in the front row for 5 concerts that night. We rode home in the dark; a first for me really. But I felt safe; and happy!

Then last week, we went to a music event at a local biker bar; for the first time in 20 something years; I danced a slow dance with a man! We danced all night:) We also drank Diet Coke all night:) And I was flying high on my wings that night. The difference is that this is a solid feeling; a feeling of stability. The last relationship was all wild and intense and short. And left me with holes in my heart and soul.

I also got my dream job this summer; I work every Sunday at the Viking Dealer inside JoAnn's in Saginaw ,MI. I love it; its only minimum wage plus commission, and generally 8 hours per week, but it is the best!! My boss is like my twin; she is the coolest gal; I am so glad I met her!! I get to be creative and use all the machines and help others find their dream machine. I hope that as time goes on, I will get more hours, but for now this is good. Hey who else gets paid to sew? LOL!

I still have such great friends that keep my head up; and for all these blessings I am grateful. My heart is healing well and I am looking forward to where the journey takes me next. It doesn't matter where you go, it's who's beside you that counts; Life is not a destination but a journey. ( stitchery I saw today!)

So I am here; I am finding my joy and hoping that all who hurt find theirs as well. Love you all my friends!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

One year later

One year ago today my old world ended. No warning just BAM! My husband decided without any discussion to leave our home; no reason given, but later the reason was discovered by myself.

Fast forward to today; I have learned a lot in the past year. One, I learned that I am pretty resilient. Knock me down and I get right back up again as the song says. Two, I found that I have REALLY great friends in real life as well as the blog world. Three, I learned that I can ride the lawn mower, self taught with the owner's guide tucked in my bra! LOL I also can pick up icky dead mice; as long as I have my gloves on. I learned that I like to work with wood as well as fabric. I learned some gardening; learned that I love to get my toes dirty, and I LOVE to dig, what a great therapy! I enjoy the results of my work. I have had many great comments from neighbors on the work I have done.

I found I like living alone with my bullies. I have friends who come to stay with me and I love that too. I'm okay with being here by myself. There is a peace here. I call it my sanctuary now. I also rediscovered who I am. I am the girl who loves being dirty, whose family is from the South ( no more being ashamed of that!) I love listening to all music especially country and bluegrass. I don't much care what job I get; working in a factory would be just as good as working in a fancy office. I'm not that fancy anymore.

I also lost weight ; about sixty pounds; but still have a ways to go ; like 100 lbs. But that is okay! I'm happy with what I look like right now! It's amazing the change in me; outside and inside. I'm more creative now. It is as if all the creative spirit was jammed up because of all the fear and sadness I lived in.

I have met a nice friend who is a neighbor. He rides a Harley and he is such a nice man. He has stopped by to talk a few times and has invited me to ride with him. Don't know where that will go, but that is okay. I'm not planning anything, I'm just happy to have a new friend who rides. And the cool thing is, he has seen me at my worst every time, dirty from digging, cleaning, sweaty! And this last time wearing my "did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?" t-shirt. No makeup and my hair all catty wampus. He acts like I am just perfect as I am. That is so nice!

We are still married, due to the economy and my need for insurance. He takes care of many of the financial issues, but not timely and not always without a discussion. We are on the verge of losing my home which would be a really bad thing, as I have finally fallen in love with my home; I always loved the land, but not the house so much! He has now lost his job as well, but he will get unemployment as well as his pension. I am hoping for the best. I am applying everywhere for everything. I am not too proud to do any job. I have cleaned a friend's home for money. And I do not feel bad about it at all. I feel lucky to have a friend that would try to help me in such a way! I know there is a plan, but I sure wish God would kind of give me a nudge in the right direction!

So, one year later; here I am ; still learning about myself; doing a lot of physical labor, which has given me a little muscle. Finding my way one day at a time. Learning to live more simply and on way ,way less money. But I am okay and hopeful. I have that now; hope. Thanks for all your support; I am hoping this next year is the best ever; every day now is the best ever.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Well; I bet that is what you all are saying,right?? I know it has been a while, but I am back at it!!! I have a lot to share with you all. This past weekend was the one year anniversary of losing Niles. It was sad and I still miss him, but my two friends really came through for me as they have done many times in the past year.
Sonny and Karen came over on Friday and brought their two mugs; a mini pin and a "chi-weenie" hee-hee' love that name! They also brought a ton of food, flowers to plant and assorted goodies! And most important, they came to be with me so I wouldn't be alone. They are truly the best! I love them so much:)

Due to the economy and my current state of finances ( umm... none!LOL) I am working hard on prim/country crafts to sell here and in our Country Sampler store where we will be renting a booth so if you "need" something send me an email and I will get it right to you. Sonny is my partner; he is a master at woodcraft! He actually worked in a factory in Northern Michigan that made these huge butcher block islands like I have in my kitchen!!! I have designed some things and he is great at designing in his head and popping out something great!!!

I am hoping that this is successful for us and will lead to not having to work for others ever again!!! My dream has always been to own a country store! So here are some goodies to start with: and we will ship to other countries as well, but of course you will need to pay the traveling costs; we can check it and give you a quote on that.

These are the sock stretchers made from an antique one we saw while out and about one day; they are available in any color and are antiqued and sealed with a matte finish.

Thay are a nice size and are 17.00 plus traveling fee; email me for an estimate.

This is the piggie that is also a blackboard; available in black as well; comes with chalk and a hanger/tail of homespun; he is 25.00 plus traveling fee;
These are my favorites right now; I have them done up right now in every country color you can imagine! This was a special one for Americana folks. He is from an antique pig cutting board that I own. They are so cute! And we are making larger ones to go outside in your yard as well. These will be 12.00 plus traveling fee.

We will of course try to find you the cheapest rates for mailing and we will combine all your orders in one shipment if possible. Email me for details and to order; no extra charge for different colors. I hope you all like these things as much as we do. I will also be offering re-dos and other prim/country items as I find them. We are trying to really stimulate the economy here in Michigan by buying from local sources for supplies as well as other goodies. So you will be helping out by buying yourself a few goodies! LOL!!! See you soon with more! My email is wheretheblackbirdssing at

My Country Baby Murphy