I am sorry to have to post another sad story here. It seems like that is all I do these days; talk about sadness. I wanted to be in the blogger community to learn new things, and make new friends; I have done both. I wanted to have a fun and upbeat creative blog, but one that really reflects my life. Sadness is a part of all our lives and I feel I need today to share this burden.
I am at a loss to explain this; my husband came home last evening and he brought a state trooper with him. I was so scared when I saw the policeman as I though he was hurt or injured in some way. Never in my life did I think he brought that policeman there to protect him from me; so that he could leave me without any explanation or reason. I am not an idiot, I am NEVER going to commit a violent act no matter how mad I might get because truthfully I cannot do prison and no one is worth going to prison no matter how mad you may be at the time, or how justified you might feel!
I am not angry; I have not cried at all( I do cry about the prospect of losing my home and babies as well as my husband though). I am just numb and lost if you want to know the truth. I shared so much with this man, and love him with all my heart and soul. Did we have problems? Yes we do; like anyone else. Money and communication seem to be the biggest issues. Those can be fixed if both parties are willing to work on them. I have always been open to working on issues. For whatever reason he was not able to.
Am I a bad person? Yes sometimes I am. I get upset and frustrated when people lie to me and he always knew this was a big deal to me. Yet he would do it over and over. I have yelled about it and been very angry. I have cried buckets of tears over this man. He has done this to me before and I should not have been so gullible this time I guess. But even having said that, I still believe that people can change and become whatever they wish to be. Love is hard at times, not always the easy road. I was not allowed to have any answers which makes it even harder to process. He says there is no one else, but I am not so sure about that.
Today I am very sick at heart. I was ill all night with chest pains and nausea. I will be seeing the doctor soon because it did not go away like I assumed it would this morning. I did not sleep much at all; I kept waking up, hoping this was a bad dream. I have never slept well by myself anyway. I am having flashbacks and stress from the last time this happened still and they are really bad this time.
I feel like a lost girl. The person I shared my life with threw me away like I am nothing. I have a big hole in my heart.I have to contemplate losing my dogs, my home, our life together.
The dogs are upset as well, last night they peed all over the house when the policeman came in the house as they were frightened. Bitsy has looked all over the house for him, she was in the laundry basket this morning smelling his clothes. I thought of doing that myself. Murphy had an episode yesterday morning that I never got to share with his dad; he woke up screaming from his airway being clogged with phlegm and then he had a really long extended head nodding episode; this morning he is just moping around. Zoey looks sad and has not really moved much. None of them will eat a thing. These animals are all I have in the world. Contemplating not being able to keep them or having to lock them up all day in the house alone is scary and depressing.
I know one thing; I am a survivor. Even walking through pain, I am willing myself to go on. No easy way out for me. I have asked God why am I suffering so much? I know I have done many bad things in my life that I wish I could change. I am remorseful for those I have harmed with my behavior. I am sorry that I made choices that were ill-advised. There is nothing more I can do to change the past. All I can do is learn for my past mistakes and try to be a better person in the future. That is what I have been doing now for the past ten years; trying to make amends to any I have harmed. Trying to do what is right in any situation, trying to be a honorable person. I am trying my best each day to do the right thing.
I was trying to make this relationship work; I was trying to create a home for us, a sanctuary from the world. I never,ever thought once about having an affair on my husband. I could not bear to hurt him like that; to see pain on his face that I caused is an abhorrent thought. I am guilty of saying thoughtless things in anger, I have been awful when I have been wounded. I know it wasn't right to say those things to the one I love and I regretted them as soon as I said them.
My life has always been an open book to him. If he could only do the same for me, our life would be great I believe.
Well I do not know what will happen to us now. The stress is waiting to see what he will do next; I have been living with this fear since he came back in 2004. Always living in fear of what might happen next. Even though he told me nothing bad would ever happen to us again. I know that many think I am stupid for believing him, but I did. Because I was/am in love. I don't know what else to say, other than these past two months have been the absolute worst for me. I have lost my true loves, both of them. I hurt all over. I am so very,very heartsick over it all.
Butch, if you read this, know this; I am sorry that you felt this was the only recourse available to you. You have caused me a great deal of hurt in the past years and I have always forgiven you. You know that this is true. I have tried to encourage your pursuits as long as they were not damaging to our relationship (other women) I don't understand, I just don't; you certainly would never explain it to me. Maybe you think I don't care, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Than you to my friends who have been writing to help me through the loss of my sweet Niles. I have no family other than my daughter, and she is not really close. So I am pretty much all alone except for the doggies. I appreciate you all hanging in there with me during all these days of sadness. I am expecting brighter days to come. I really am. I am just doing the best that I can today, I will handle tomorrow when it gets here.