Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I am sorry to say, another sad post

I am sorry to have to post another sad story here. It seems like that is all I do these days; talk about sadness. I wanted to be in the blogger community to learn new things, and make new friends; I have done both. I wanted to have a fun and upbeat creative blog, but one that really reflects my life. Sadness is a part of all our lives and I feel I need today to share this burden.

I am at a loss to explain this; my husband came home last evening and he brought a state trooper with him. I was so scared when I saw the policeman as I though he was hurt or injured in some way. Never in my life did I think he brought that policeman there to protect him from me; so that he could leave me without any explanation or reason. I am not an idiot, I am NEVER going to commit a violent act no matter how mad I might get because truthfully I cannot do prison and no one is worth going to prison no matter how mad you may be at the time, or how justified you might feel!

I am not angry; I have not cried at all( I do cry about the prospect of losing my home and babies as well as my husband though). I am just numb and lost if you want to know the truth. I shared so much with this man, and love him with all my heart and soul. Did we have problems? Yes we do; like anyone else. Money and communication seem to be the biggest issues. Those can be fixed if both parties are willing to work on them. I have always been open to working on issues. For whatever reason he was not able to.

Am I a bad person? Yes sometimes I am. I get upset and frustrated when people lie to me and he always knew this was a big deal to me. Yet he would do it over and over. I have yelled about it and been very angry. I have cried buckets of tears over this man. He has done this to me before and I should not have been so gullible this time I guess. But even having said that, I still believe that people can change and become whatever they wish to be. Love is hard at times, not always the easy road. I was not allowed to have any answers which makes it even harder to process. He says there is no one else, but I am not so sure about that.

Today I am very sick at heart. I was ill all night with chest pains and nausea. I will be seeing the doctor soon because it did not go away like I assumed it would this morning. I did not sleep much at all; I kept waking up, hoping this was a bad dream. I have never slept well by myself anyway. I am having flashbacks and stress from the last time this happened still and they are really bad this time.
I feel like a lost girl. The person I shared my life with threw me away like I am nothing. I have a big hole in my heart.I have to contemplate losing my dogs, my home, our life together.

The dogs are upset as well, last night they peed all over the house when the policeman came in the house as they were frightened. Bitsy has looked all over the house for him, she was in the laundry basket this morning smelling his clothes. I thought of doing that myself. Murphy had an episode yesterday morning that I never got to share with his dad; he woke up screaming from his airway being clogged with phlegm and then he had a really long extended head nodding episode; this morning he is just moping around. Zoey looks sad and has not really moved much. None of them will eat a thing. These animals are all I have in the world. Contemplating not being able to keep them or having to lock them up all day in the house alone is scary and depressing.

I know one thing; I am a survivor. Even walking through pain, I am willing myself to go on. No easy way out for me. I have asked God why am I suffering so much? I know I have done many bad things in my life that I wish I could change. I am remorseful for those I have harmed with my behavior. I am sorry that I made choices that were ill-advised. There is nothing more I can do to change the past. All I can do is learn for my past mistakes and try to be a better person in the future. That is what I have been doing now for the past ten years; trying to make amends to any I have harmed. Trying to do what is right in any situation, trying to be a honorable person. I am trying my best each day to do the right thing.

I was trying to make this relationship work; I was trying to create a home for us, a sanctuary from the world. I never,ever thought once about having an affair on my husband. I could not bear to hurt him like that; to see pain on his face that I caused is an abhorrent thought. I am guilty of saying thoughtless things in anger, I have been awful when I have been wounded. I know it wasn't right to say those things to the one I love and I regretted them as soon as I said them.
My life has always been an open book to him. If he could only do the same for me, our life would be great I believe.

Well I do not know what will happen to us now. The stress is waiting to see what he will do next; I have been living with this fear since he came back in 2004. Always living in fear of what might happen next. Even though he told me nothing bad would ever happen to us again. I know that many think I am stupid for believing him, but I did. Because I was/am in love. I don't know what else to say, other than these past two months have been the absolute worst for me. I have lost my true loves, both of them. I hurt all over. I am so very,very heartsick over it all.

Butch, if you read this, know this; I am sorry that you felt this was the only recourse available to you. You have caused me a great deal of hurt in the past years and I have always forgiven you. You know that this is true. I have tried to encourage your pursuits as long as they were not damaging to our relationship (other women) I don't understand, I just don't; you certainly would never explain it to me. Maybe you think I don't care, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Than you to my friends who have been writing to help me through the loss of my sweet Niles. I have no family other than my daughter, and she is not really close. So I am pretty much all alone except for the doggies. I appreciate you all hanging in there with me during all these days of sadness. I am expecting brighter days to come. I really am. I am just doing the best that I can today, I will handle tomorrow when it gets here.

20 comments:

Leslie ~ HarvestHomePrimitives said...

Merrie; I am just heartsick for you. Please DO NOT feel like you are alone; you are not. There are many here that love and care for you and will ALWAYS be here for you to pour your heart out to.

I have been where you are. My boys father up and left giving me no reason. Leaving me with a 5 year old and an 8 month old; and me having NO job! I later found out it was another woman whom he married a few months later. Things DO happen for a reason even though we do not know why. That was 21 1/2 years ago and I DID survive. DID NOT think I would but I did. AND I have survived my husband of 9 years death as well. I sometimes thought that maybe I have done something in this life that has caused these things to happen but I know better.

Please remember we ARE here. If you would ever like to talk here is my email address. I will be here for you for anything you need.

lessan312@aol.com

Kath ~★The Olde Weeping Cedar ★~ said...

Oh Merrie, I am so sorry for the pain and heartache you're goin through...I don't know why ugly, hurtful, heartwrenching things happen-it's NOT to punish us for past mistakes tho, i do know that! :)
Please take care of yourself.
I will keep you in my prayers...I wish I could do more for ya.
you have my em addy if you ever need to vent or talk or anything!!
(((((hugs))))
Kath

Parsley said...

I'm so very sorry to hear this. I pray God puts his arms around you both.

Please consider finding a good counselor for yourself or both of you if you can get him to go with you; I recommend Christian counseling.

carolyn@primitive~devotion said...

Merrie! I ahve been trying & trying to access your blog and finally did today only to read this sad news.
Bless your heart! I am so very sorry to read this! But you must know something......you are NOT a bad person! And you are NOT alone!
We all make mistakes and say and do things we don't mean when we are angry or upset. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human!
Sending you a big hug and I am praying for you. You know where to find me if you feel like talking.

Jane's Fabrics and Quilts said...

Oh Merrie, I am so sorry you are going through this, please do not think it is happening for things in the past, God is a forgiving God, does not judge or punish one. I cannot imagine how you feel, just know we are all hear to listen and help. Hugs!!!

taylors*farmhouse*attic said...

You are in my prayers!!...hugs,Jen

Yankee Ridge Primitives said...

Awww, my sweet Merrie!
I think you are just great and I love you and I agree with all of the other comments left to you on this post! I am serious about my facebook comment - ANYTIME!

Im so sorry you are going through this, you certainly do NOT deserve this!

Grammy Linda / Behind My Red Door said...

I am so sorry you are having so much heart ache lately. You are in my thoughts and prayers, hugs, Linda

Shari Kraft said...

Merrie--
My heart hurts for you. I went thru this kind of thing with my first husband. He lied and lied. I still don't know if he actually can tell the difference between a lie and the truth! :)

About all you can do is take one day at a time. We love you honey, and if you need to talk...drop me an email and we'll get together.

ohiofarmgirl said...

Peace be with you Merrie...we are here so feel free to vent as you need...prayers are coming your way. Dianntha

basketsnprims said...

Merrie,
I am so sorry about what is happening. You will be in my prayers.
hugs,
Pam

Parsley said...

I know I have already commented once but you've been on my mind all day. Still praying for you. Even though we don't know each other except via a blog, I care...I really do.

Black Sheep Lisa said...

Merrie my hugs and prayers are with you. I wish there was something i could say, but only time can heal the hurt you feel.

cynthialeedesigns said...

Merrie,
I'm so sorry that you are hurting and that your heart is heavy with all you have been going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend. I hope you can feel the hugs being sent your way.
Cindy

Holly Hills Primitives said...

Oh Merrie, I'm so very sorry. You looked so happy last Saturday! I hope everything works out just the way it's supposed to and that you get through this without too much heartache. You are in my thoughts! Dawn

Linda said...

I know it isn't what you want to hear but----this is God's plan. He will never give you more than you can handle. He made you and He knows exactly how much you can handle. He gave you choice and maybe this wasn't what he meant for you to choose. I have been married three times. I know I have finally gotten it right this time. I empathize with your situation. I have cried buckets myself and finally come to realize that tears are meant to cleanse. You will be just fine. There are many women, and men, who share your circumstances. All your fellow bloggers will pray for you and the kids......

Kelee Katillac said...

Merrie: I love you.

Kelee Katillac

Michele said...

Oh Merrie ~ my thoughts are with you. You will get through this and be a stronger woman because of it. Please know that we are here...blogland friends are the best, even tho we're not close by.

Big hugz,
Michele

Primitive House said...

Hey There Chick-A~~

Man, I was sad to read your blog this morning! I don't know why things happen to us that hurt sooo mcuh! Just know that I am here IF you need to talk to someone. You have my email address! Hang in there....things WILL get better!

Sending Many Hugs and Prayers....
Lori :O)

Sandy said...

Hi Merrie,

I was away on a mini-family vacation and just now have been catching up with everyone and seen yet again more sad news :(

I am so sorry to hear what happened. It's just not fair...not fair at all and no explanations makes it even more madning.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and wish that each day will only get better for you. And as all the others have said, you know we are all here for you.

Take care of yourself first...

Sandy


My Country Baby Murphy